According to the definition of widowhood, it is a state of being when a woman has lost her husband through death and has not remarried.
I grew up with widowhood. My grandmother, who I understand as I grow older was the woman who most influenced my life, was a widow.
My mother was three when her father died so she has no memory of him nor has she any stories to tell about him or a relationship with him. She has many stories to tell about my grandmother, however. How during the depression, my grandmother needed money so she baked donuts and pies and my mother went door to door with a basket and sold them. My grandmother was a very strong, intelligent, independent and resourceful woman.
So, to me, widowhood never depicted a weak, weeping, or dependent woman. Although, I am sure, there were moments of grief, self-pity, and sadness in her life, I never saw them.
She was a tough Norwegian emigrant, learned to speak English with a very slight accent, and could do math in her head which always amazed me.
Our Widow 2 Widow group, which meets every third Tuesday of each month, is a group of women who are varied in their life skills and especially with their coping skills from the loss of their husbands. Some are older, some a little younger and some are in the middle. Some are tall, some short, some gray haired and some not. They are the same kind of women you meet at church, golfing, at the library, or the mall. But the thing they have in common is the loss of their husband. Some are further along the coping path than others but they come to help each other and at the same time learn a couple of things for themselves.
Last month each woman brought a picture of their husband and told stories about him. There probably are not many places in the world that a woman could do this except at our meetings. Some women were chocked up when they told their stories and many rejoiced and laughed in the story telling. Some people would think that this is morbid or odd but these women live with their husbands every day... as they reach into the cupboard for his favorite coffee and make a pot for two instead of one out of pure habit. Sleeping alone in the same bed where they slept for years together. Watching his favorite television program because that’s what they did every Tuesday night. Buying a new dress in his favorite color and not even noticing until it’s hung it in the closet. Hearing a new joke and thinking that I have to remember this, he’ll love it, and then remembering he is no longer around.
At the same time, these women - these widows are strong, intelligent, and learning to be more and more independent every day. For some it is harder than others. But encouragement from the other women in the group is a life line and as these women get to know each other outside the group they help each other get through the rough patches whatever the time of day.
Some of the women have been widows for less than a year and others have been widowed for several years. Some are younger and some a bit older. But they help each other through the telling of their experiences. And, often, just being a good listener.
One woman shared, “I’m a widow... and a divorcee. Shortly after I was widowed I remarried. I thought he was going to be like my first husband. The definition of husband had my first husband in it. It was a miserable time for us both. We finally agreed to divorce after a short marriage. My advice is to take time before making that serious a decision.”
One of our members (although there is no real membership requirements except that you are a widow) had a long relationship with a man and when he knew he was going to die decided that they should marry so that he could provide for her after his death. However, when he died, his adult children challenged the provision and she has been tied up in court spending the money he left her to live on by retaining attorneys.
Another woman had had no time for grieving. The group gently guided her to some counseling and are holding her accountable for going to her session every week.
Much can happen in a group where you can be who you are by telling your life story - even stories about a husband who is no longer here; grieve in your own time - take as long as you want and cry whenever you want - even in the middle of a meeting; and be held accountable for what you say you are going to do.
If you are a widow and would like to join our group, please come. There are no membership dues, there are no requirements, and there are no membership roles to commit to. You can also visit our website www.maggiezine.net and click on Widows4 Widows for some past articles and resource information.
