The Widow and the Ostrich

THE WIDOW AND THE OSTRICH

~Ann Whitlock

Statistics indicate that I will likely become a widow someday. More than 75% of women are eventually widowed, so the odds are quite high. Wives usually live 8-10 years longer than their husband. Ideally, the high likelihood of becoming a widow should prompt some advance planning. Of course each of us should have a will or trust, but a few more essentials are needed to help us carry on.

Like an ostrich, I would rather hide my head in the sand than think about my husband dying before I do. This is something I really don’t want to think about, much less plan for. Dealing with the emotional loss of losing my husband will be tough enough, but times of turmoil are typically not times of clear thinking. Someone needs to be in charge of all the finances and the financial decision-making. Widows who have never written a check can either take on the financial reins or rely on family or friends.

Adding a new task is not necessarily a bad thing. There is great peace of mind on getting a handle on your money. The only skills required are adding and subtracting, and a calculator will take care of that. Naturally, the first task will be listing the monthly and yearly expenses and paying the bills promptly.

Organizing a file, (a notebook, file folder or even a shoe box) will help you stay on top many situations. Essentials that should be included in the file:

1. Names, addresses and phone numbers of your legal professionals, i.e. attorney, accountant, financial planner.

2. Location of wills, trusts, durable powers of attorney, living wills, etc.

3. Financial assets and obligations:
A. Assets include savings accounts, investment accounts, CD’s, life insurance policies, pensions and retirement plans. List the account numbers, phone numbers and addresses for each.

B. Other assets include real property including houses, cars, boats, etc. Note the location of deeds and other ownership documents.

C. Obligations include mortgages, credit card debts, loans, etc. Again, list the account numbers, phone numbers and addresses.
Compiling this file won’t be difficult. It will probably be more difficult convincing yourself that it should be done. When it is completed, let a son, daughter or other loved one know where it is. Your file will then be a salvation for anyone who needs to carry on for you. That person will thank you greatly and may go home and create a file of his own!
Forms may help to sort out or organize such as Basic Budgeting Worksheet or Spending Plan, a Net Worth Worksheet, a Property Inventory Worksheet and are available by emailing irwhitty@cfl.rr.com or 352.536.9783

A common recommendation for widows about many issues is: don’t make any major moves right away. Parking your investment money in CD’s is a safe solution until you are more comfortable making decisions. Don’t allow yourself to be pressured to make any long-term investment until you have sorted out your entire financial situation.

Take your time obtaining financial advice and get information from lots of sources. The library has lots of books and magazines on finances. Ask friends for references and interview several financial planners. Interviewing fee-based Certified Financial Planner professionals is usually recommended. After checking references, review how comfortable you are with the planner and how well he/she takes your needs and tolerances into consideration. The right fit for you may not be your friend’s, relative’s, or husband’s pick. This choice is particularly important since it may be a relationship you have for the rest of your life!

~Ann Whitlock

The Mourners Bill of Rights

The Mourners Bill of Rights

Grieving individuals have certain rights that others must not take away from them. In fact, it is the very upholding of these rights that makes healing possible.

1. Mourners have the right to experience their own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way. They should not allow others to tell them what they should or should not be feeling.

2. Mourners have the right to talk about their grief. Talking about their grief will help heal. It is important to seek out others who will allow them to talk as much as they need to.

3. Mourners have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions they might feel. It is important to accept the full range of emotions as part of the grief journey.

4. Mourners have the right to be sensitive to their physical and emotional limits. Their feelings of loss and sadness will probably leave them feeling fatigued. They should respect what their body and mind are telling them. It is important during this time to not let others push them into doing things they don’t feel ready to do.

5. Mourners have the right to experience “grief attacks.” Sometimes, out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may come over them. This can be frightening, but it normal. They should find someone who understands and will let them talk it out.

6. Mourners have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual should provide the support of caring people. Later, rituals such as lighting a candle for the person who died, can also be healing.

7. Mourners have the right to embrace their spirituality. If faith is a part of their life, they should feel welcome to express it in ways that seem appropriate to them. They should be able to be around people who understand and support their religious beliefs. If they have the need to feel angry at God, they should be able to find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of their feelings.

8. Mourners have the right to search for meaning. They may find themselves asking, “Why did he or she died? Why this way? Why now?” Some of their questions may have answers, some may not. They don’t deserve cliched responses like, “It was God’s will” or Thin of what you have to be thankful for.”

9. Mourners have the right to treasure their memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. They will always remember. Instead of ignoring memories, they must find creative ways to embrace them.

10. Mourners have the right to move toward their grief and heal. Reconciling their grief will not happen quickly. They should remember that grief is a process, not an event. They will need to be patient with themselves. And they should avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with them. Neither they nor those around them should forget that the death of someone loved changes life forever.

From The Mourner’s Bill of Rights by Dr. Alan Wollfelt. Used by Permission.